Life Rhythms: Why Routine Matters for Your Children’s Success
In this episode of the Parenting For A Purpose series, Daron and Julie share why routines matter for your children’s success.
Routines help children learn how to manage their own time, stay on task, and reach their goals. Let’s work together to create good routines for your children!
Let’s dive in!
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Julie:
There is value in bedtime, there is value in breakfast being the same and lunch being the same and snack and dinner. It creates a sense of security in your small child early on that creates a sense of safety in them that then connects you more to your child. So the rhythms that that professional is speaking to are very real. I see it in my career and with something that because of having a career I was in that I was able to implement into my children. But kids thrive when they eat at the same times and they snack at the same times and and they go to bed at the same time and they nap at the same time.
Tagline:
Created on purpose and for purpose.
Daron:
Everybody, welcome back to the Daron Earlewine podcast. So great to have you back. So great to have Julie Earlewine back. Julie, welcome back.
Julie:
Hello.
Daron:
If you guys remember, if you haven’t watched the first three episodes there, it was a conversation. Some people could call it a debate, other people could call it a marital conversation where she was only going to do three episodes, no more, no less. And I just want to celebrate the small victory that I was right and she was wrong and that she’s back for the next three. So welcome back honey.
Julie:
Thank you.
Daron:
Share with our wonderful audience. What was it that made you feel like, you know what? I do want to come back for three more episodes.
Julie:
You made me.
Daron:
That’s not true. You are an adult. You make your own decisions.
Julie:
Actually, the man also behind the camera and the other man that is in Monday meetings with us made me.
Daron:
Okay, so she’s still,
Julie:
Our staff made me.
Daron:
She’s still forced against her will to be here.
Anyway, hey, we’re talking about they’re doing this series six, part six part series called Parenting for a Purpose. And Julie and I have been talking about this for a while and it’s something that’s been on my heart to do because if there’s one of the things that’s probably one of the most important gifts we’re given from God is to be parents to get a chance to raise the next generation on this podcast. Usually we’re talking about helping you discover who God’s created you to be, helping you discover your purpose. That’s huge. But when you step into the realm of being a parent, then you have a really great calling that now has come up into your life. It’s helping your kids actually step into that calling as well. And we said in the first couple episodes, we’ll say it again in these, Julie and I are not licensed family therapists. We’re not counselors, we’re not psychologists, but we have been parents now for 19 years. We’ve been pastors and speakers and podcasters and all the stuff that we do for quite some time and we get a chance to be around a lot of families, a lot of kids, and we think we’ve done a above average maybe job parenting our boys
Julie:
Or we got lucky one or the other.
Daron:
One of the two. But through the years people have said, Hey, we appreciate this about your boys. We have three boys. They’re 19, 17, 16. Well, it’ll be when this episode comes out, I think Ty will be 17 and 13 and so far they’re doing pretty good. They really impress us with who they’re becoming to be. And so we’ve talked through the past couple of years of, I think we must have done something right in this process, but I’m not exactly sure what it is. So we’ve just been talking about what are some of the things that we know we’ve purposely done that we think did contribute to our voice, moving towards becoming who God’s created them to be. And so we’re just trying these six episodes to see how they encourage you. I’ll see what questions, what conversations we can get in with you to help you and your parenting.
And you may be watching you be like, Daron, I’m 24 bro, I don’t have kids. I’m just trying to find a wife. Some of the things that we’re talking about in this series, I think they apply relationally across the board. But here’s the deal. If you have in your heart that at some point you’d like to be a parent, this series can help you a ton because you don’t want to start preparing for the challenges of raising a kid the moment you have one because it goes pretty dang quick, too quick, too quick, too quick. So this week we’re going to talk about life rhythms and I chose the word rhythms. This one was first called life routines and my personality, I have an allergic reaction often to routine, but I have a love affair with rhythms. As you know, we’ve got drums around here.
Some of you may know I was a professional drummer before I was a pastor, and that’s kind of my original passion and the word and the understanding of rhythms really gave me a sense of understanding freedom of this. And here’s the reason why is a routine to me feels constricting. Like I got to do the same thing every single day and I can’t break from it. And that’s pretty much never my life. If I had a job where I had to do the same thing every single day in the same place, the same thing, I would go bonkers.
Julie:
It’s true.
Daron:
Could you do a job like that? Could you do the same thing every single day?
Julie:
I don’t know. I used to think I could, but I mean I was going to be a teacher. That wouldn’t have been clearly nowadays, that wouldn’t have been the same every day. And then now with my clientele and First Steps with being a developmental therapist, not the same. And working here with Blackbird with you is definitely not the same every day.
Daron:
That’s true. That’s true. If you are a person who loves routine, you’re like, I love it. I do the same thing every single day and it’s just like carbon copy. That’s a gift from God. That’s how he’s created you, okay? For me, the understanding of rhythms happen with this as we jump in because here’s the deal. When I’m drumming, I have a rhythm or a tempo of a song. I have a tempo and a time signature. So I’ve got a song that might be in four time signature and it’s at 102 beats a minute. That’s the parameters, the rhythm that I get to play within and within a four time signature, I mean I’m never going to use a 32nd note if you know what that is. It’s a lot of notes. But basically I have 16, I’m probably going to get into a 16th note situation at some point within this rhythm.
I have 16 different notes and things that I can play with, but it’s all within this rhythm that creates a great foundation for a great song. And I think in parenting it’s like that is every day is not the same. No raising a kid, you have tons of different, when you think, I feel like once you feel like you kind of get into a routine, we kind of felt like this. It’s like you get into a rhythm and it’s like this rhythm that’s one to two years old, two to five, five to eight. Every time you feel like, Hey, we’re getting into this rhythm, all of a sudden the time signature changed. It’s like it’s no longer in four four now the song’s now in six eight and you have to adjust to it. But if you don’t have some structured rhythms around parenting, when you get into those crazy times, it can be a really, really difficult situation for you.
But more importantly, what we’re going to talk about today that I’m excited about is this is unbelievably important for a kid to be raised in a family in a home where there is a rhythm. And so we’re going to talk a little bit about that. I’m going to give you a little expert breakdown of the research behind this from Dr. Erica Bach neck from Wayne State University. She says this about routines and rhythm. She says, research shows that routines support healthy social-emotional development in early childhood. In particular, children with routines at home have self-regulation skills, the building blocks of good mental health. When children learn to regulate feelings and behaviors, it means they’re able to identify their feelings and have skills to manage those feelings so they don’t feel overwhelmed.
Continuing young children who learn to do this well are better able to adapt to everyday challenges, stressors and new expectations. Children do not learn to do this all at once, just as when a child is learning other important skills like reading or writing. Self-regulation is a set of skills that build over time. Every stage includes age-appropriate milestones and important things parents can do to coach children from one stage to the next.
Julie:
That’s something that I see in my actual career, which we did say we aren’t. We are definitely not family counselors or not psychiatrists or anything like that, but I have been a developmental therapist for almost 20 years now working with zero to three-year-olds. And the absolute first thing that I ever establish in a relationship with a family and with a child in a therapy situation is consistent boundaries will be set for the 60 minutes that I’m present. And sometimes the parents, they can’t believe that for 60 minutes I can get their child to do the things that they do for me and then they can’t ever find any of the minutes outside of their week to make them do what they do in the 60 minutes they’re with me. And so much of that in those early years, and if you’re working with toddlers right now is there is value in bedtime.
There is value in breakfast being the same and lunch being the same and snack and dinner. It creates a sense of security in your small child early on that creates a sense of safety in them that then connects you more to your child. So the rhythms that that professional is speaking to are very real. I see it in my career and was something that because of having a career I was in that I was able to implement into my children. But kids thrive when they eat at the same times and they snack at the same times and they go to bed at the same time and they nap at the same time. And it sounds really rigid in those early years to think you’re bound to that and I don’t say every day all the time, don’t skip the park and don’t not go on vacation and let ’em sleep on the beach. I’m not like that. My kids fell asleep everywhere. That was our philosophy is we wouldn’t adapt to them, they would adapt to us. However, the rhythms and the times of their life out of my own professionalism were consistent.
Daron:
I think that’s something Julie to look at too is that as parents we’re very different. Yes, that is very natural for you. And I would say early on in our parenting, I learned that and leaned into you. For me, I wouldn’t have known that. I don’t naturally do that in my life.
Julie:
Most parents don’t naturally know that. That’s the value of when I go in into a therapy session and you create boundaries within the home and within the family. Sometimes they see really rapid developmental change because the kid just needed a boundary. Not all of them clearly, some of them are diagnosable issues that are far greater than just a routine. However, no matter where your child is, developmentally routine may be one of the greatest assets to success for your child early on.
Daron:
I think that brings my mind back to one of our first episodes in this series talking about apples and trees and that the focus so often becomes I want my kid to be better or do better whatever. And we think they’re the problem. They’re the issue that has to be fixed. But oftentimes I’ve seen in 17 years or 18 years, you’ve been doing first steps therapy. A lot of your work is actually with the parent.
Julie:
Well, yeah, and it’s innocent. I tell them all the time, you’ve not been trained in kid the way I was trained in kid. So I was trained in kid. I have an education degree, I have an early childhood focus and I’ve now been in this career so long, I’ve worked with so many levels of professionals that I remind moms and dads that nobody gives you a manual on how to do it and to do it the best. It’s for your family because every family story is different. You may have a child that has ADHD or you may have a child that has autism is on the spectrum. You may have a child that’s completely developmentally appropriate according to what they say is appropriate anymore, wherever you are with your child, it’s creating the boundary within where their child is. And that’s something that within that creates a safety in the family and it creates a safety within the child and then it gives opportunity for flourishing. That’s across the board of parenting.
Daron:
But I think the thing I want to say to the parents is, if you are listening to this episode and you’re thinking, yeah, my kids’ kind of crazy or this is happening or I’m struggling with this, the first step may be going, does my life have a rhythm?
Julie:
Yes, that would be very true because usually everything as we always say, is caught and not taught. And so if you’re creating not something in homes, when I go into homes and say, Hey, you probably need to set a regulated bedtime, don’t let them stay up after you’re going to sleep when they’re two years old, a regular bedtime, and then they see that’s a standard of practice. They don’t see you with any standard of practice, then it’s hard for them to ever have a standard of practice.
Daron:
Yeah, that’s good. So we obviously want to anchor a lot of what we talk about in this podcast into our faith and into Jesus. And one of the things that I do appreciate and I’ve always really respected about Jesus is we do see some rhythm and routine in his life. You know what I mean? We see often, one of the scriptures that I wanted to bring was in one verse 35, it says, barely early in the morning while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place where he prayed. And in this situation, we don’t see this as one day Jesus decided, man, tomorrow I’m getting up early, I’m going to do this. We see this as a rhythm of his life. There was a rhythm to it. Now was every day of Jesus’ life the same?
No, you read about, it’s like he’s healing this person, he’s doing this, he’s teaching. But there were some common things. You saw getting up early. He had a morning routine that we see, we see spent a lot of time eating intentional meals with his disciples and other people. There was a rhythm to how they ate together and these times they shared. And so I think it’s a very biblical thing for us to look into that. And so I just want to look at some of the key things real quick, Julie, some of the things that we’ve looked at, and so one of the first ones we start with, I want to start with is a morning routine and kind of what that looks like. And what’s funny is my first thought when I came to this is I’m thinking more about like,
Julie:
Go ahead.
Daron:
No, I wanted someone to see what brought the laughter for you before.
Julie:
You’re not exactly like a morning routine practicer.
Daron:
Yes, I am! It’s different. It’s not your routine.
Julie:
It’s a different timing. On most days
Daron:
It is. But nothing saying’s wrong.
Julie:
There’s
Daron:
Rhythms funny. I’m living six/eight over here’s living in six eights. Very
Julie:
Very true. Six, eight. That’s it.
Daron:
I love Six Eight. It’s a greats got to swing to it. There’s a lot of flexibility into it. You’d love six eight if you’re a drummer. No, there is different. For instance, Julie’s morning for 22 years usually starts earlier than my morning. Yes. I’m not a morning person. I could stay up late.
Julie:
I’m not either, but mine still starts earlier.
Daron:
It does. And I have had to learn that a ton. Now, Julie’s routine, usually she’s working out either at six 15 or five 15, which is absolute insanity at five 15.
Julie:
I don’t do that very often. That’s crazy. People six 15, like my friend Tita, she always
Daron:
Does five 15, so six 15 for me, it’s more of a 7 15, 7 30 situation.
Julie:
You do not work out at seven 15. Not wake up. I wake up. Okay, okay, okay. I was like, whoa, pump the brake. Here’s an honest podcast.
Daron:
Here’s my routine today, here’s my routine. I would say 75% of my days, I’m getting up right about that time. Seven 50, no, it just depends. If I hit snooze,
Julie:
I’m sure they believe me.
Daron:
Go downstairs, get a cup of coffee. When I drink my coffee, I do some devotions. I pray. I mean I would say 75% of the days. So there’s time with the Lord. One of the things for me is I don’t try to force myself open no app on my phone before I open the word of God, get into the word, have that time alone, have a cup of coffee, then talk to the kids for the going to go to breakfast, whatever. And then I go work out. So it usually happens an hour to an hour and a half after Julie. But there is a routine, a rhythm. What I think is funny about our kids is thinking about little rhythms they have, I remember Cole was in second grade, so he was probably eight, whatever. And his routine is he would wake up and he loves sports. All of our boys do.
Julie:
Oh yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that.
Daron:
He’d wake up every day and he would go down and he would watch sports center every day.
Julie:
He’d wake up early before school for a while, make sure you watch 30 minutes of it.
Daron:
At least. And it started this rhythm that still happens today where we’d come to dinnertime to sit down as a family or whenever we’d interact that day. And Cole would tell me some kind of factoid about sports. That to me seemed way too advanced for an eight year old to really get to understand. And I would challenge him on it, but I don’t know if that’s totally true. And then it was always true. And then now 19 years later, I’m always like six hours late to the game. Hey, did you hear the culture going to trade? Like, oh yeah, dad, I heard that this morning at 6:00 AM But he had,
Julie:
Because he gets up early like me.
Daron:
Yes. He has a routine. Ty, our middle son, he’s a little more like me. Yeah. He likes flexibility in the rhythm. There’s rhythm to it. And I think he’s had to learn some of the parts of that, but it is all unique within the person. What are some things that you tried to do? You worked the whole time that the boys were growing up, but you also, you had a good chunk of where you were kind of a stay at home mom, hybrid worker. What were some things when they were little mourning things that were important to you that were more of a rhythm?
Julie:
I think when they were really little, I didn’t put a lot of pressure on the morning because I felt like, not that it wasn’t consistent, they had breakfast and they did all things they were supposed to, but when we didn’t have to rush, and if you’re in that season of not rushing, if I could go back now and say, not to say you shouldn’t have consistency, but the morning being slow is a beautiful gift. And to cherish those morning times with them, sit with them and watch tv, not try to hustle and bustle yourself around and do too much, but almost give yourself permission to have time space with them. They always were allowed to watch. My kids were allowed to watch TV in the morning. That was when they were allowed to watch it. They would mostly have breakfast together, but the way our kids are spanned out, I mean it was like that in the beginning, but before long they were in a preschool routine. We got up probably the same way. Most people are doing it today, just trying to get out the door and hoping you pack some Cheez-Its in their lunch.
Daron:
One thing I do that went off in my head here that you took the lead on this and it took me a bad day.
Julie:
It’s a good chance. I forgot. It’s been a lot of years.
Daron:
Well you’ll say a hearty amen to this. It took me about a decade, I’ll say, to embrace the need for this. But the morning routine actually begins the night before when you go to bed.
Julie:
Yeah, that is a fact. That’s true.
Daron:
Yes. And so for me, and not the way my house was raised when it wasn’t a huge value that my parents had, but for Julie, she resets our house every night. All the toys go back to where they’re supposed to be. Everything is put away, the counters are clean, everything’s wiped off. There’s not a mess, there’s not clutter. So when you start the day, you start from a place that feels set and peaceful and put together. And that’s not a personality that I have. If you go see my home office right now, it’s very, it’s not put together. Let’s just say Julie would never operate in my office. My office kind of looks like how my brain looks and I never had that value. And I can remember the boys were little, Julie went on a trip somewhere. She was gone for three or four days and I’m thinking, Julie’s gone do the whatever the freak we want now.
We’re not cleaning up, we’re not doing the dishes every night. We’re not cleaning off the counters and I don’t care if their toys are wherever, we’ll figure it out tomorrow is how my brain goes. I tried that for those three days. And what I found is I was stressed, I was annoyed. There was always something that needed to happen. And by the third day I remember being put the boys to bed and I’m like, I’m resetting the freaking house tonight because I can’t wake up to a disaster. And then it was number 8,000,000,624 when I was like, dang it freaking Julie’s right again. But that’s something to look at is are you setting up the morning routine to be successful by the fact that you actually started the night before and
Julie:
Don’t feel like you have to practice all of my insane OCDness either because resetting to you may look different than my resetting. Sure, yeah. So no pressure from that because I’m a little crazy. But I do think it has helped our family and our kids have levels of expectations for us and for themselves. Like our youngest, I don’t really know that I’ve ever told him he has to make his bed every day, but he makes his bed every day. He just does it and he doesn’t like it. And if something was to happen, he did make his bed, he would probably make it before he went to bed. He’s the third one. So he’s in some ways the most routine and most responsible of all of ’em probably because where I had error, I tried to improve by the time I got to him. So it was a little bit less of you have to and more of it’s helpful to you because I think that’s also the difference is when we tell someone, especially Daron if I’m married him, if I tell Daron he has to do something, his personality is, no, I don’t.
Whereas if someone sees that what you’re doing is helpful for them instead of they’re not having to, but it’s helpful that then you find that it’s a more natural willingness to do it. And I have found in Knox the third child, he is watched all the half tos and then he just has realized and the have tos that even didn’t go great. He’s just realized the ones that are actually really helpful and he’s just sort of naturally innately picked them up.
Daron:
One thing I think too is
Julie:
We messed up the most with the first one maybe
Daron:
Is that making your bed is, I remember one of the boys was going through, they were in fourth, fifth-grade football and one of the coaches had them watch this speech from it’s a military leader gave a commencement speech and I think maybe he wrote a book about it called Make Your Bed. And the whole point is that just the act of your routine of I’m going to get up, I’m going to make my bed, is you start your day off achieving something like you’ve already won, you’ve done something that starts momentum and it does bring some calm and some structure to your day. In our house, our rule for Julie and I is basically whoever gets out of bed last makes the bed. I’ve been making the bed about 95% of the time for 22 years and I didn’t have that value growing up.
I didn’t make my bed growing up and I sense it now where going into our room and today I woke up and I actually had the thought, make your bed. I’m going to start with something that brings my life momentum. I thought about that this morning. So mornings they start the night before routines make a difference. Let’s talk about nap time a little bit. Jules, this is more your jam and I love what you said. I’ve got a point I want to make a little bit later about. We can make it now I guess is some of these things. One of the things that I think we did with the boys was understanding we had a life that we really enjoyed and when they came into it, they did not become the center of our universe. They were a blessing and they were joining our life, our social life, our rhythms. We adapted to give them the structure they needed, but it wasn’t like we shut the world down in our social life down because they had to nap at 10 30 every day. But talk about some of the moms and dads out there with the little kids that have a nap time. What’s the need and the structure there?
Julie:
I think when I think about anything in our life and we can all like where you are, if you’re a fitness guru right now or anything in our life that’s at about an 80 20, we’re actually winning and really succeeding. And I think when it comes to your children and their nap times, and I would say this in my professional world, it’s crucial. First of all, their nap time every day is not just because they’re being irritating and difficult as a toddler, it’s actually a time for their brain to reset and it’s super valuable for their development to actually get that time of sleep during the day. So it’s meant to be so it is important to put them into a space of rest, but there’s also freedom and having an ability to be flexible in that because you don’t want them to miss the moments of life.
And sometimes they push through and maybe your night’s a little frustrating, but it’s like in anything, I think if you can practice something in their nap time that’s about 80 20 where 80% of the time it’s pretty consistent and 20% of the time you’re rolling with the punches, I think you’re going to find that you have a really deeply developmentally strong child because they’re well rested, their brain’s at full development level and you have to choose that for our family. At the time when the kids were really little, Daron was in church ministry, which church ministry is a very unusual set of timing calendar or whatever. So we had a lot of evening things. We had a lot of evening events when our kids were really little. Daron did some young adult ministry at the time. We often had stuff at night. So our kids’ bedtime was never seven.
There’s plenty of parents that works best for, they want their kids to go to bed at seven, they need that time to themselves and then their kids are wake up at six and then that’s how their family, our rhythm of our family was our kids went to bed about nine 30 and they slept till about eight. And that’s the way the timing back when they were little, that the day started. And I by no means was a super early riser when they were little, they were often my alarm clock. I mean let’s get real. You’re just thankful that you slept all through the night at some point whenever you get there. But I think in anything, the consistency is key developmentally, emotionally, you’re own emotional stability when they’re well rested and well practice, but I also think there’s value in saying 80 20, I’m going to try to do it really consistent 80% of the time, but 20% of time we’re going to the park or we’re going swimming or we’re going to stay longer or I’m only going to let you sleep for 30 minutes in the car today because the fun around life is way more worth than that consistency.
Daron:
One thing I’ve noticed that too, and this is something that it makes me sad sometimes when I watch kids who are just unhinged and their parents are always annoyed or people are annoyed by them or they’re always getting into trouble and it’s like they’re constantly hearing negative and they’re like, what’s wrong with my kid? Whatever. And then you learn some more and you’re like, well they don’t ever take naps and you just gave them 120 milligrams of sugar or something.
Julie:
Sometimes you give him sugar to survive that.
Daron:
Get that. To their credit it’s like, what’s your kid eating in the morning? Well, he has a poptart and something else and he doesn’t take a nap and it’s like he’s the worst by one o’clock. Like yeah, because he’s freaking exhausted and he’s high on sugar. It’s like you can’t function. There’s times for me when I’m tired and I’ve had too much caffeine, I’m like, I don’t really like myself right now. And so you got to give your kid an opportunity for that. Know that they don’t know how to make those decisions, but you can help. And when that happens, you have a much happier, more balanced kid and you are usually as well. So we got more
Julie:
But 20% of the time you can get ’em ice cream. They grew up too fast. That’s true. Give him ice cream. Give ’em ice cream.
Daron:
It’s fine. So hey, we got a couple more points…. We’ve got a couple more points we’re going to hit you with and we’ll do that Brad, for this quick little commercial break. We’ll be right back.
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It looks like this right behind me on the screen. You’re going to go there and we’re going to send you the course for free and I’ll help you take your next step. Hey, we say it every week. I don’t want you to forget about it, right? God’s created you on purpose and for purpose. Let’s jumpstart that purpose. Now let’s get back to the podcast. Hey, welcome back. We’re talking about rhythms and routines and parenting. The next one I want to hit Julie is the idea of family dinner, which has been something that has been a staple for us for all 19 years of raising the boys. And like you said, our life has been crazy. Ministry stuff, life stuff. It’s usually about an 80 20. Then when they get into all of our boys played travel sports still are. That’s a whole crazy deal with schedules and practices and games.
But I would say most years, at least 80% of the time we’re having dinner as a family. And what I have seen for the boys is because that has been a rhythm and that has been something that has been sacred for us. And the time is sacred. You’re not sitting there with your phone, whatever you’re doing on your phone at the dinner table. We’re coming together as a family to talk about the day to have deeper conversations. And it may only be 20 minutes, 30 minutes or whatever, but I could see it with the boys as they, they’ve grown that that was a time that they began to really desire as well. So talk about a little bit about dinner.
Julie:
I mean I grew up in a family where we always ate dinner together, so I don’t really know that I did that. That necessarily makes me a good parent. I did it. I think it was just something that we just did. The four of us, I have a one brother and we ate meals together. I remember things about them. I remember us arguing over who gets the last bit of mac and cheese and all the things about dinner that you remember and talk about your day and talk about what’s going on. So that was just normal to me. So dinner was a normal practice for me to just start doing when we had kids, even when they were little. One was in a high chair, one was in a booster seat and we all sat down at dinnertime and ate collectively. And I do think it has become, I think some of the intentionality actually in our dinner times has come from Daron where we mentioned this in a couple of the podcasts ago, whichever one about how we always do highs and lows at our dinnertime.
It created a safe space at the table to be able to say this part of my day was amazing. But then this part of my day was hard. And I mentioned this, I’m pretty sure we talked about this in the other podcast, but now our kids do it. Our kids will ask before even Daron or I ask their high low, they ask and they want to know even ours. And if something happens and we get derailed and Daron or I didn’t get to go, they’ll both, they’ll stop and be like, wait, mom or dad didn’t get to do their high and low. That’s natural practice of intentionality and just a safe space to talk and just to be together. I just think because life is going in the world we live in today and families we’re going a million miles a minute. And I think the gift of the dinner table is that even if it is 20 or 30 minutes, you’re stopping together and you’re reminding each other and yourselves that this is our team and we’re here and at the end of the day we’re always here.
We’re here at dinner, we’re here for you always. And it’s just, it created a more of a gift I feel like to me. I treasure when I think about that. I’m thankful for the time. I’m thankful I don’t have, I have a really good friend right now. She just sent her second son off to school and now she has only one boy left at home. And dinner time’s hard for her right now because that was a crucial time. And their family, the five, she has three boys also, their family would always gather dinner was a priority. She always set five plates. Then she had to go to four plates. And now just this week she sent me a text message said Setting three is hard and it’s because for so many years that was such a sacred time for their family and now we’re setting four.
And that feels weird. And it’s difficult because you feel kind of out of orbit because that’s your team. And so it created just in that dinnertime routine has created a sense of connection that you could miss if you don’t make that a party. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t get to do it all the time tonight. Our youngest son has a football game. I don’t even know what we’re having for dinner tonight. So when it’s daylight today, you kind of make it work. But the priorities we set around dinnertime and loving each other. I do also think is why my 16 year olds at the high school is going to try as race as fast as he can out of his practices, even see five minutes of his brother because it creates a space of connection and relationship where you care about the other one.
Daron:
Well, I think there’s a part too is that there are many times when the conversation that started at the dinner table for one, the boys knew if they knew they had a great thing or they knew they had something that was really tough that day, emotionally as their days going on, they knew I have a way point coming up that I can count on where I know I’m going to have mom and dad’s attention. I know I’m going to either be celebrated by my family or I’m going to be able to get some advice. I’m going to conversate about that. And there’s many times that a conversation that may have started at the dinner table that we knew something was going on good or bad. Now you’ve had this short conversation about it and then going to the next point, which is bedtime.
You now have a moment, maybe you’ve had a couple hours to think about it to see what’s going on and now you’re able to come and check back in. And that time, that conversation, that mentoring, whatever it is, that celebration, it’s able to go even to a deeper level. When I think some of the conversations as the boys got older where there were times where you’d stay up till two in the morning just talking with him around the kitchen island. I don’t think you have those kind of the depth of conversations you had late night if we didn’t establish the rhythm of this is a safe place where we talk and we’re here for each other. So all these kind of build on each other and that’s why the rhythms are so important. Another one I want to talk about a little bit is about weekends and just the difference of it. I know we did this for a while and then maybe we got too health conscious or whatever it was, or too old, but for a long time
Julie:
We just can’t maintain his caloric intake.
Daron:
Yes. Yeah, it’s real. The struggle is real once you turn 45. Yeah, 40. So we did so many. Saturday mornings was donut morning we’d go to get donuts and shout out to Coop. Yeah, Coop our producer. I love it. Every Saturday morning he posts on Instagram.
Julie:
I do love them. It reminds me of us.
Daron:
Yeah. Saturday Donuts with dad. His daughter loves the strawberry ice donut and that’s awesome. I can taste them through the Instagram sometimes and think about them, especially
Julie:
If he’s at
Daron:
Tim’s. Coop don’t screw around with his donut game. Shout out to Tim’s. It’s on point. But I’m sure if Coop was on camera right now, he could tell you the memories and what he’s creating with this rhythm with his daughter and now his son and his other daughter. That’s something they’re going to grow up and go, man, Saturday mornings donuts with dad, was it? And Julie’s found new traditions that she’s brought in Friday, French toast for football games.
Julie:
Well, and I have to give credit to that. That was passed down from a friend who had boys in a season that played football before mine. And she always told me about it. And so I loved it. So we started a few years back, we started French toast Friday on Friday for night football. It was probably our oldest son’s sophomore year. We actually really started it and we had french toast every Friday before every game during the season. And it kind of became a huge tradition. And it was really cool because I, two weeks ago was the first high school game for our middle son and our oldest son is off at college. And he texts me that morning, no crying, texted me that morning and says, no crying. He says, you’re not allowed. Pinch myself. This is ridiculous. Get control of yourself. But he text that morning and said, Hey, don’t worry mom, I’m eating french toast today.
And he’s at college. So he was eating french toast on a Friday that he knew his brother was playing his high school game. And it was cool because I didn’t tell him to eat french toast that morning. I didn’t say, Hey, don’t forget to eat French. I mean had no idea. And he has to get up at 6:00 AM to go meet his football team now. So I’m like, who’s thinking about french toast then? But he said, don’t worry mama, I’m eating french toast today. And it was like when you see then the impact that something that you do regularly has on your family connection. That’s just a really cool story. So now this year, Knox is in junior high football and it’s on Wednesdays. And I was like, well, I don’t want him not feel special either on his game day. So we’ve now started Waffle Wednesdays. So we have Waffle Wednesdays.
Daron:
Oh that’s right we had waffles this moring.
Julie:
We’ve had ’em for three weeks now. Waffle Wednesday.
Daron:
I just noticed
Julie:
Details. It’s fine guys. It’s fine. Waffle Wednesday.
Daron:
The fact that you iterate it is so inspiring. I love alliteration. Waffle.
Julie:
Waffle Wednesday. That’s
Daron:
Really well done, Jules.
Julie:
And it’s French toast Friday and that’s what we do during football. I do nothing during baseball because there’s 158 games. Games and nobody’s got time of that.
Daron:
Yes. So that’s just a quick little foyer into the idea of rhythm in your family. And there’s so many different things you could look at
Julie:
You said foyer…
Daron:
It’s a good word. I have a great, have a vast vocabulary is, I’m sorry, I think that’s how you used it. Correct. It’s given. That’s in the church where you get your bolt and anyway, obviously it’s good times for worship. You know what I mean? Spending time at worship together, the we’re our family is, if you’re a pastor, you get this. If you’re not, you may have never thought about it, but Sundays are kind of not that great for a pastor’s family. If you’re like, oh, we’re going to go together and sit together. I never sat with my family at church in I think until 2008. So Cole was, what is he? Eight, five, when was he born?
Julie:
He was born in 2004.
Daron:
Yeah. So whatever the math is there, right? For years and years and years and years of our marriage, I never even got to sit with my family. So it wasn’t like we got to do worship the same way.
Julie:
And these days I was just annoyed. I felt like the spawn of Satan was coming out of every one of our children on Sunday mornings and getting them to church on that actual day is the worst for a woman that is married to a man that does ministry. So for all of you ministry wives, if you’re by chance listening, I am sorry about your Sunday morning experience with your small children.
Daron:
Yeah totally makes sense. But finding those rhythms for those spiritual side of things. One of the things that I meant to say, I’m going to go back real quick on that side for bedtime, one of the things that bedtime was huge is they did have a bedtime, but that became a little bit more my jam is I would usually with the boys, we would always read a Bible story or some book they wanted to read. And that became a blast of knowing we’re going to sit down, we’re going to get in the word together. And we would read children’s bibles and stuff and have conversations. Sometimes they could choose the story and then I’d always try to have some question about it, whatever. And then a lot of times we would always end it by praying together. It was a time for them. Sometimes they would get to pray, sometimes I would pray that’s a chance for you to mentor and model for your kids. Prayer for them to get used to like, oh, I can pray and talk to God and we can be part of that. And another bedtime thing, I forgot to look at my notes is the Boys always had a bedtime song. And this started, I wrote all the bedtime songs. I’m not a singer-songwriter
Julie:
Except Knox’s,
Daron:
Let’s be honest. I changed the words around a little bit. It’s an original, anyway.
Julie:
It’s You are My Sunshine.
Daron:
No,
It’s not original, but the other two.
Yes. So anyway, it’s a Daron Earlewine jam.
Julie:
I actually Think I wrote Cole’s, but it’s fine. We’re not going to go back.
Daron:
You didn’t write. You may have got something, but I definitely wrote the hook. Anyway, the where starter was is if you’ve got little kids and you’re trying to get them to go to sleep, I’m talking about infants and they won’t stop crying. And you’re thinking, I want to rethink all the decisions that came into creating this baby and can we give it away now, it was during those times where I just started to sing some kind of stupid song to try to get them to stop crying and go to sleep. And then it was wasn’t intentional. I didn’t know it was going to be something that would be foundational for them. But every single night we would pray we’d have that. They’d go to the rooms and I’d scratch their back while I sang their song. And this continued for almost 12 exact years for our oldest son Cole.
One of the saddest days of parenting for me was putting Cole to bed. He’s like 12 in one month and I start scratching his back to start singing this song and he reaches back and he grabs my hand and he is like, I’m good dad. It’s okay. I don’t need my song. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it. Left the room and cried, right? It was like, what just happened? I think God, Ty, our middle one, I think I got to got to 13 or it. No, it’s 12 and a half. 12 and seven months maybe. Todd was like, yeah dad, I’m cool man, I got it. Whatever. But thank God Knox turned 13 in July. So he’s 13 in a month and he has never questioned, never Stops me, never. I get to sing his song still. He’s so sweet. He’s so sweet. But what’s interesting with that is I would’ve never thought that having their back scratched and having me sing a song we made up for them was important. But up until 12, I mean all of them, if we would forget or whatever in all,
Julie:
Or if we were out, we would have to call them on the phone and sing.
Daron:
And then both
Julie:
Seriously, maybe this was unhealthy.
Daron:
My mom, grandma and her mom nana, they had to know the songs. When they would babysit, we would leave, but Grandma doesn’t know my song. And it’s like, why did the kids care about having that song? There was something about that rhythm. There was something about that. Helping them shut their day down to go to bed, feeling loved and protected and all these different things. So it can be any kind of song. I’m not going to sing their songs now that’s private, right? But make up your own thing if you want. And make bedtime have this kind of rhythm because there’s something about it that allows your kid to calm down, to get to a place of peace, to get back to sleep, and then start the next day with a new routine. So that’s our take on rhythms once again, lean into each other’s strengths.
Julie led a lot of this I was able to follow. I brought some of the creativity to it. She brought the consistency to it. 80/20 is a good thought. You’re not going to be perfect in it. See it as a rhythm that you play within, not a law or a rule that you can’t break. And if you have questions, thoughts, concerns, this is stir something that we want to hear from you. You don’t want this to be just a monologue coming at you. You can always email me Daron@blackbirdmission.com. You can reach out through all the socials and just comment. We’d love to dialogue through that. Or you can always text me 317-550-5070 and we’d love to be a part of the conversation with you. So thanks for tuning in this episode. We appreciate it. And until we talk again, remember these three things, God is for you not against you. He’s near you not far away, and He created you on purpose and for purpose. We’ll talk to you next time with the Daron Earlewine Podcast.