Navigating the Beautiful Heartbreak of Kids Leaving Home
Picture this: for 18 years, your dinner table has five chairs. Five voices sharing about their day. Five people piling into the car for a family vacation. Five heartbeats that make up the rhythm of your home. Then suddenly, one chair sits empty more often than not. The conversations shift. The nucleus of your family changes forever. If you’re a parent watching your kids grow up and prepare to leave home, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Recently, my wife Julie and I sat down to talk about this transition we’re walking through – we’ve gone from a family of five to four when our oldest Cole left for college, and we’re just weeks away from becoming a family of three when our middle son Ty heads to Arizona for school. The thing that caught Julie completely off guard was realizing how heavy it feels to not regularly have all five of us together anymore.
As she put it, “When all five of us are together, it feels the most whole and the most safe and the most joyful to me.” For 13 years, this has been our identity. This is who we are and how we feel complete. And now that changes.
But here’s what’s beautiful about how God works: he surprises us with goodness even in the midst of transitions that feel heavy. God designed it so that from the moment our kids are born, they need us a little less each day than the day before. What they needed at one, they don’t need as much at two. What they needed at five, they need less of at ten. It’s a gradual preparation of our hearts for this moment when they step into independence. “Thank you for not just giving it to me and then taking it away,” Julie said about this process. “You allowed my heart to slowly be prepared for it.” Still doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck sometimes. But there’s really no good in holding onto them.
Here’s What I’m Learning
This season isn’t really just about them leaving – it’s about them maturing into who they were born to be. They’re becoming old enough and wise enough to step into their God-given purpose. They need us less every day, but they still always need us. Having walked through two completely different senior year experiences, Julie’s advice is simple but powerful: “Take in every single second of it and don’t take anything too serious and don’t miss a thing.” Cole’s senior year felt like one big celebration, while Ty’s senior year was marked by profound loss when two of his close friends died within that 12-month period. Two polar opposite experiences, but both beautiful in their own way. As Julie observed about Ty’s class: “They’ve learned to live bigger and they’ve learned to live brighter and they’ve learned to live bolder.” And honestly? It’s easier the second time around. You know what to expect. Most importantly, you begin to trust that the foundation you’ve built will hold.
The Nucleus Changes, But Love Remains
The dinner table looks different, but the bond is unbreakable. If you’re walking through this season too, remember: God’s for you, not against you. He’s near, not far away. And he created both you and your kids on purpose and for a purpose. Trust the process, soak in every moment, and know that letting go is actually the greatest act of love.
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Episode Summary:
This is the first episode in a special series where the whole Earlewine family (yes, we’re calling it “The Earlewine Podcast” for this fun family edition!) shares their perspectives on growing up, faith, and finding purpose. Don’t miss upcoming conversations with each of their sons!
Key Takeaways:
- The hardest part isn’t missing them – it’s when your family nucleus changes.
- God slowly prepares your heart for letting go from day one.
- Each child needs space to mature into who they were born to be.
- Senior year is a full-time job – don’t miss a single moment.
- Our kids belong to the Lord first, not to us.
Notable Quotes:
- “When all five of us are together, it feels the most whole and safe and joyful.”
- “Every day they needed me a little less than the night befor.e”
- “There’s really no good in holding onto them or trying to control the.m”
- “They’ve got a life to live and a love of their life to find”
- “We did it for this – for them to be amazing humans”
Episode Resources:
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Links to the Daron Earlewine Podcast
YouTube | Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Libsyn
EPISODE 176 TRANSCRIPT
Daron: You need to really soak in this last year because this will be the last, these are some of the last times you guys will be going to dinner together or you’ll go to church together or you’ll go on vacation together. And we’ve been all that, even vacation’s been a little bit like people come in and they leave early or whatever it is. But it was cool to feel like for me at least to begin to know, okay, pay attention to this year because it’s…
And I think maybe that is the heaviest thing. Like it’s not, it’s never going to be the same.
Tagline: Created on purpose.
Daron: Hey, welcome back to the Daron Earlewine podcast. Little different today. We’re changing the title of the podcast for the next six, seven, eight, we’ll see how many episodes we get out of this recording. I’m calling it the Earlewine podcast because we’re bringing in the whole family for this conversation. So Julie Earlewine, my wife. Welcome back, Julie.
Julie: Hello.
Daron: It’s so good to have you back. We want to just thank your agent and all of your talent crew for signing the contract for letting you come back. Unfortunately for me, fortunately for you, every episode that we have you on outpaces our podcast downloads by a large sum. So glad you’re back and we’re going to have all the boys with us in this conversation.
Julie: Thank you for having me.
Daron: Are you excited about that? I am too. I’m excited to hear what they have to say on some questions that we’ve got to ask them that would just be interesting to see their take because our focus for this whole episode, whole series is going to be we’re in a kind of interesting, challenging, probably a lot of adjectives we could bring season of life where we’ve had a son, our oldest son Cole go to college, he’s going to his junior year. We’re literally weeks away from our middle son Ty moving away for college and he’s going all the way to Arizona. And then starting at basically September 1st, we will just have one kid at home, which has happened a lot quicker than I think I was ready for emotionally. It did seem like it happened pretty quick. Would you concur?
Julie: I would definitely concur.
Daron: I think it’s funny because it is such, I actually get annoyed when cliches become real. Like when you’re having young kids, everybody’s like, don’t blink. That’s actually a country song. But like, it goes so fast. Soak it all in. I think it has. I think we’ve talked about before, like you look at old pictures of the kids and it’s like when they were six and four and two, it seems like a lifetime ago, but yet you see a picture and you’re like, no, that just felt like that was just like a little bit ago. You know what I mean?
Julie: I do know what you mean. It does go really fast.
Daron: It goes really fast and then all of a sudden you’re just clicking off months, clicking off years and then all of a sudden you’re in the senior year of your oldest kid and all the preparation for us it’s like then we kind of get one year of catching our breath and then boom, we’re right back in a senior year. So I thought what would be cool is for us to have this conversation because we talk about finding purpose, finding peace, finding passion and stepping into God’s plan for our life on the podcast. And I think for any of us that are parents, one of our greatest goals, sometimes maybe greatest anxieties is like, are we raising these kids in a way where they can step into their own ownership of faith? Are we raising these kids where they can leave our house and succeed and thrive? Are we helping them take steps to find their sense of purpose? And so we’re right in the midst of it. I’m not sure we’ve, I know we haven’t done it all right. We’re seeing some good things and some bad things. And so I thought let’s have a conversation, not just between you and me saying, hey, here’s what we think, but let’s get the real and let the boys actually speak into them stepping into that and also kind of what does it feel like to be the oldest kid leaving? What does it feel like to the middle kid? What does it feel like to be the youngest kid? So we’re going to shoot these episodes. We’ll have Cole join us for an episode. We’ll have Ty join us for an episode and we will have Knox, the youngest join us and then we’ll do a whole family conversation. So I’m going to ask you more questions in this episode and I’m sure I can’t help but interject some of my own thoughts because I love to talk. But I’ll hit you with the question and then you can be the star for a while, Jules. So we’re transitioning. We went from a family of five to a family of four. Now we’re just weeks away from being a family of three, at least in the four walls of this house.
Julie: These questions are really terrible three weeks after graduation, but thanks for dragging me into this.
Daron: Yeah, we recorded it now to get the raw emotion. We got to get the real one.
Julie: Thank you so much. I apologize in advance for my extreme emotion.
Daron: You’re welcome. So first question, we’ve gone through this transition and I guess anything would apply. Has it been maybe from when we went from five to four or now when we’re right on the precipice of going from four to three, like what is something that maybe caught you off guard emotionally in the process?
Julie: All of it? No, just kidding. I think if I look back and I realized that going from five to four, I think people keep saying to me, my goodness, how are you ever going to let Ty go all the way to Arizona? It’s so far. Like, are you going to be OK? Are you going to survive? And I was actually recently talking to a friend of mine at a baseball game and we were talking about because her son will be a senior this coming year. And we were talking and I said, you know, honestly, I think the hardest part that I wasn’t prepared for is that really at the end of the day, it’s when your nucleus changes. So when Cole left and went to college, the nucleus changed and there were some really, really hard parts about that. But then as we went through the process, I learned that there were a lot of beautiful parts about it. But I think that the thing that really shocked me is I didn’t really realize how heavy it would feel to me to not regularly have all five of us together. And now, when all five of us are together, it feels the most whole and the most safe and the most joyful to me.
Daron: Yeah, I remember a conversation with Brent, my best friend since 1997. And I think that it’s, I’m bringing this up because I think it’s so key of how important being in community with other people are, whether they’re in your life stage or just in front of you or maybe behind you. But I remember they had a daughter that was a year older than Cole. And I can remember him sitting me down and saying like, exactly what you just said. Was that Knox screaming? Maybe we wish he was leaving.
Julie: Yes.
Daron: Was that him? Where’s the question about telling your 14 year old he can’t scream at video games while you’re recording a podcast? That didn’t make the list. Weird. Anyway, Brent sat me down and he said, hey, listen, kind of the same point you made of the nucleus changing and saying you need to really soak in this last year because, you know, this will be the last. These are some of last times you guys will be going to dinner together or you’ll go to church together or you’ll go on vacation together. And we’ve been all that. But even vacation’s been a little bit like people come in and they leave early or whatever it is. So but it was cool to feel like for me, at least, to begin to know, OK, pay attention to this year because it’s… And I think maybe that is the heaviest thing. Like it’s not, it’s never going to be the same.
Julie: Yes. For 15 years, or actually 13 years, because we didn’t have Knox 18 years ago.
Daron: Yeah, that is the math. I’m just saying, Cole, I guess I’ve been there for 18 years. But yes, the five of us didn’t happen.
Julie: But yes, what makes up our family of five, which is who we are and how we feel complete, it changes.
Daron: One of the cool things I think though is when we go through transitions, God does surprise us with his, I mean, we shouldn’t be surprised by his goodness, but sometimes we’re surprised by, I want to say blessings, but it feels weird to say, like it’s like when one of your kids leaves the house, you get this blessing. I don’t mean that, but there have been, I think, some positives or some realizations when we were gone from five to four of us. What’s been for you something that was kind of maybe an unexpected blessing or perspective that you weren’t thinking that you would realize?
Julie: I think I may have mentioned this in our previous parenting podcast, but I think one of things that was really cool is, you know, each of your three children are so uniquely different, and it allowed with one going and experiencing their life independently more and thriving, Cole was thriving in his environment, making new friends, sometimes calling the place that he lives in another town home and I would get irritated because I’m like, that is not home, that is a dorm or the apartment in Muncie. But I realized that it gave space to Ty and Knox that they didn’t have before, just because there’s only two of them instead of three of them. So they created a new space to see the two of them get especially close. They’ve had the past two years where it has been because of the uniqueness of the way Cole goes to school and because he plays a sport at college. He doesn’t ever come home for long periods of time ever. So for the past two full years, it has only been Ty and Knox majority of the time. And I think it’s created a really unique bond. And it is probably one of the things with Ty leaving that I think is the heaviest on my heart is because I know how close and how much they enjoy being together to anticipate that part being gone from Knox, especially with them being so distant. But yeah, I think that that part was allowing the other two to find a space or have a little bit more room in the house just because there’s more room, because there’s less people.
Daron: Yeah. Well, I think maybe we did mention it in the last series we did, I’ve, it’s been, I think one of the bigger blessings for me is, you know, this winter I took Ty through the spiritual DNA course and got to sit down and have lunch or dinner or coffee with him and go through his results. And to be able to get a much clearer picture on who God has created him to be. But then with his older brother gone and it just being him, like I felt like I began to see Ty for who he is in a much clearer way. And I don’t think we do this intentionally, but I think it’s difficult as parents not to kind of compare your kids. I mean, especially for our kids, they’re all doing the same sports stuff. And then you’ve got grades, you’ve got sports, whatever the different demarcations of life and whatever is, and maybe it’s, I’m sure it’s possible for me, it’s always possible not to at least somewhat measure them against each other or whatever. And what it was one of the blessings for me is like to not have to see them in order, but now all of a sudden Ty is the oldest boy in the house. Just being able to like, I’m not comparing him, I’m not contrasting him, like I’m just seeing him for who he is and like, newfound respect and admiration and just like, wow, like you have, you are an amazing human being and like to watch you step into it. And I think for me it was, it became a lot clearer and we’ve talked about it, like, you know. We could have guessed that Ty maybe was a type nine on the Enneagram, but like going through testing, seeing that and kind of putting that together with the rest of a spiritual DNA, it was like, wow, I can see the massive contribution you have made for the past 18 years to our home of making it work so well. You know what I mean?
Julie: I do know very well.
Daron: You want to elaborate on that?
Julie: I mean, they’re all uniquely different. I think a lot of it really isn’t even about leaving, it’s about them maturing. So it’s like, yeah, they are leaving, but I think a lot of it really comes down to the fact that as one leaves, the others are maturing. So it’s really not totally the leaving as much as they’re becoming who they were born to be, and they’re able to be old enough and wise enough to step into that. I think that’s probably been really what’s been happening is that Ty has matured into the man of God that he’s going to be. And Cole was ahead of him doing that. And then we’ve watched him live that out. All the things we hoped he would live out in his college setting, he’s still, that’s still the main part of his life. And then Knox is just really blessed to have had two go before him that are doing it so well. And so I just think really, I mean, yes, it’s about them leaving, but it’s really, at the end of the day, more about them maturing. And they need me less every day, but they still always need me. And I think that it really is more about that. For me, I’m realizing that they need to go and they need to be where they are. It’s easier the second time around. There’s no question about that. At least I know what to expect or I know how to anticipate it and Ty’s actually going to college and then he will come home for an entire summer, most of the summers. Unlike his brother who did not ever come home really. And so I think that there’s peace in that. So I don’t know. I think now I’m less scared about the change because it does go back to the fact that once the nucleus shifted and it broke off a little bit, then it didn’t feel, it feels different. So, and I notice now that like when it can be all five of us, they want it to be all five of us. And I’m thankful for that part too.
Daron: So in our home, different marriages function a little bit different, who’s the main nurturer? It’s not a biological role. I don’t think sometimes the husband is more the nurturing type. Sometimes the wife is. She’s unique. And in our home, you are the more nurturing type. And so a lot of that falls on you in that traditional mom role or whatever society wise.
Julie: A tearjerker story.
Daron: What’s been some of the things for you like having to like moving through like, you gave them life, you sustained their life. Like you brought all this nurture in like stepping into like, like you said, they don’t need me the same way. The same way. They don’t need me the same way. Like, what’s that like for a mom?
Julie: I would say it’s really difficult. I mean, I think if all my really good mom friends were sitting here, they would say, this is stupid. This is stupid that you get the best thing you’ve ever been given for all these years. And then all of sudden they go off into the vast universe to do whatever they’re going to do with their lives. I think, I think it really, whoever the main nurturer is, you know, maybe it’s harder on them. I think it’s, you know, they are your identity for so long. We always joke, like, I mean, have I gone to the bathroom by myself in 18 years? I mean, in 18 years I have, but you know what I’m saying. Whenever they were little, I couldn’t even go to the bathroom if somebody wasn’t standing there. So you go through this major shift from them needing you for everything to needing you for less things. And I think what I’ve also realized, though, throughout the years is that God did that. He did it very eloquently. They fully needed me when they were inside of me and God was forming them inside of me. And then every single day from the time they came into this earth, they needed me a little less than the night before. And so I think the beauty of the way God did that is that he slowly actually prepares your heart for this because what they need you at one, they don’t need you as much at two. What they need you at two, they don’t need you as much at five. And five, they don’t need as many things as they need at 10. And so… It is a beautiful thing that God did to us that he didn’t just like give us everything and then take it all away. You know, he allowed us to slowly nurture over time and the need to be nurtured became less slowly. And I think I’m really thankful to God for that because it’s kind of the beauty of being a mom or whatever role you play in your house. But like the beauty of being a mom is that it’s like, thank you for not just giving it to me and then taking it away. You allowed my heart to slowly be prepared, like when they could be outside by themselves for the first time. Or drive for the first time, they would spend the night away for the first time, or they went away for like a youth camp or whatever. You start to see it and slowly prepare your heart for it, and I’m thankful to be able to view it that way. We were walking along preparing ourselves for this all along.
Daron: Well, yes, I think we were and I think we…
Julie: Still doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.
Daron: True, and we’ve had lots of conversations about it as it’s been happening. And I think you’ve done a phenomenal job of still being there, lots of nurture, lots of being there when they need them, when Cole needs us or whatever. But I do think you’ve done a really great job of letting go.
Julie: Thank you. But what? I don’t know if I’ve done a good job, but maybe I hide it really well.
Daron: Well, what’s the danger of not?
Julie: There really is no danger of not.
Daron: There’s no danger of not letting go of your kids?
Julie: I think you’re saying there’s danger of, like, what’s the danger of letting go? Sorry, I heard that in like of flip flop. There’s nothing good in not letting them go. I mean, it’s there, this is what we do. There’s like some stupid meme right now about how like, something about like doing all this for 18 years for them just to like run away or whatever, I don’t know, all the silly mom memes that are out there on Instagram. But there’s really no good in holding onto them. And there’s really no good in trying to control them. Because if the faith that I choose to walk in with the Lord is right, and I, a long time ago, realized that these boys weren’t fully mine, they were the Lord’s, like they’ve got a life to live. They’ve got a love of their life to find. They have a career to succeed, they have a life of ministry to lead, they have people to come in contact to love. And if I hold them here in my little haven, then all of those things, they don’t get to do all the things that I’ve been able to do. So yeah, there’s really no good in holding on. It just doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck to let them go. But we did it for this. That’s what it was for, for them to go on and be amazing humans, which is my greatest desire is for them to go be humans in this world that may leave it better than it currently is.
Daron: Yeah. So you’ve done two senior years as a mom. You got a chance to talk to maybe some junior moms now, maybe a year or maybe some sophomore moms. Going into the senior year as a mom, what do they need to know?
Julie: You should quit your job because it’s a full-time job. I actually had a friend who, her son was graduating with Cole, but she had had one a couple years prior to that graduate. And she told me she’s like, literally it is a full-time job. And I was like, that’s so funny. And then I got to the end of it and I was like, wow, that felt like I had like a lot of jobs. I would say now that I’ve done it twice, that I, and I would, and I preach this to Knox now that he’s going into high school this year is that. Take in every single second of it and don’t take anything too serious and don’t miss a thing. Not one thing. Like go watch them in the student section cheer on the sport that they don’t play. Like if they’re going to their school musical, go sit with them. If they want you to like do it all with them and be their biggest cheerleader and not a complainer. If I, you know, like just enjoy every single second of it. I had two seniors that had two completely different years, but I can say that in their two polar opposite senior years, I feel like I really did enjoy them both to the fullest. And I think that it’s such a special time. It’s their year, you know, it’s so awesome.
Daron: Yeah. And I think when we have the episodes with each one of the boys individually, you’re right. And it’d be interesting to talk about that. Because for Cole, accomplishment-wise was sports and friends. And it just felt like a big party, fun stuff happening all over the place, whatever.
Julie: It just kept winning.
Daron: You know, Ty’s year was, his senior year was marked really with loss. You know, they lost two of their good friends. I mean, they lost their lives. And, you know, I would talk to friends about, you know, I’m 47, I think. In 47 years, I’ve never had two friends die in a 12 month period. And here they were going into what’s supposed to be this amazing senior year and that’s what they had to walk through. So I’m going to be interested to, hopefully Ty will allow us to talk about that a little bit of like, how do you walk through a senior year and deal with some of the biggest human emotions in that kind of season? You know what I mean? But I think he and I think a lot of his classmates did an amazing job.
Julie: Yeah, they were an exceptional group of humans. They were different.
Daron: Yeah.
Julie: It was a different experience, but I hate crying, so silly. But I wouldn’t doubt at all in the friends that Ty has, in the faith, in the faith I’ve seen kids in our community walk in that I had never seen before. Two very uniquely different stories between our children, but the beauty, fortunately and unfortunately was written to totally different ways. And that is something unique about parenting because we never really know what the story is going to be.
Daron: And we would, I mean, obviously the, I am not comparing them. Please don’t hear me say what I’m not saying for our friends that lost children this year. I am not comparing like what I was going to say is as parents, we wouldn’t have ordered that off the menu of life for Ty. Like, hey, this is what you got to learn in your life to deal with your senior year. Now. Like I said, I am not comparing that obviously the parents that we know that went through that this year, like I’m not comparing our pain at all. I’m just saying no one would order that off the menu of life. But that is something of like, you don’t know, like the expectations. Especially with us going in the second time, your senior year, it’s going to mean this. You’re going to have these kinds of experience. And then for Ty and his class, you know. Two weeks, I think, before the semester starts, they’re dealing with going to their friend’s funeral. And it’s like, OK, this is not whatever your expectation. Now, this is real life, and you guys are going to have to walk through it.
Julie: I think that… It goes back to making the most of every single moment you have and make the most of whatever the story is, whatever you’ve been given. I would say that Ty’s class has learned to live bigger and they’ve learned to live brighter and they’ve learned to live bolder and I would give anything for them to never learn to live bigger and brighter and bolder. But I do believe his class of kids are going to be humans that make a difference and love better and live harder and more passionately. And so if you have to take something really terrible and still honor two amazing kids for the rest of their lives, this class has learned to do that.
Daron: Hey, I hope you’re enjoying this episode of the Daron Earlewine podcast and as you can tell as a family we definitely like to talk and so these episodes went a little bit longer than a regular episode and so we’ve cut them in half and so this would be the first half of this conversation. We come back, we’ll close the conversation out. Hope you’re enjoying it. Would love to hear from you. You can always email me at daron at darronearlywine.com And please subscribe to the channel, whatever you’re watching or you’re listening to. I would love to have you be a part of the growing community of the podcast. And until we talk next time, just remember God’s for you, not against you, near you, not far away, and he’s created you on purpose and for purpose. See you on the second half of this episode.